


For Lee Jihoon

by NotMarie



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: AU?, Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love?, but Soonhoon is hart, seokhoon, when will I stop killing characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 10:19:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9319361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotMarie/pseuds/NotMarie
Summary: Seokminwaswith Jihoon.





	

 

Jihoon was a naughty kid. I know because the first memory I have of him was during kindergarten, where he threw a handful of sand to the girl that tried to play with him in the sand box. I remember approaching him and asking him why he did that, he answers me with a shrug and threw sand at me as well. But I was competitive as a child, so I scooped a handful of sand and threw it to him as well. The next thing I remember, I was running from him.

I remembered climbing the monkey bars, thinking that he would follow me, but Jihoon was a smart kid. He waited till I got down from the other end and he tackles me to the ground before we engaged in a tickle fight. We lay breathless on the ground. The leaves that covered it made crunching sounds every time we rolled on the ground. We laughed as we panted, and I thought that maybe he wasn't so bad. He must've thought the same for the next day, he offered to share his crayons with me for the coloring activity.

 

The next thing I remember was during our first grade. We were both cutting classes from our english teacher when he loses consciousness as we stood in front of an ice cream stall. I saw blood running from his nose. As a kid, all I could do was shout for help until a passerby dials 119 and an ambulance came and carried Jihoon. I came with the ambulance. I held Jihoon's hand as the paramedics do their thing. We were the best of friends, so when your parents came to the hospital, they also hugged me and cried. I didn't understand why they were crying so much because I thought you collapsed because you lack sleep and you were hungry, but I was wrong.

 

_You have Leukemia, Jihoon._

_You have leukemia, and it's getting worse every second._

 

We were twelve when you and I started learning how to play the guitar. Being the man with little patience, I gave up on trying the second time. You, however, you're talented. You were gifted with music. The hospital room was white, but every note that came out of the guitar and every word you sang made this white room a bright yellow and orange one, not the annoying yellow and orange, it was more of the happy yellow and orange. For a while, we forgot that you have leukemia and that you only have a few years left.

 

The next memory I have was when I came to visit you. I always visited you after school, but at the afternoon of August when we were both fifteen, you talked about how you fell in love for the first time. You told me you saw a bright guy, that in that dull and plain hospital, an artwork like him stood there. You told me he was like beautiful colors against the white hospital walls. You told me the person you loved was a him. I didn't know how to react. Something inside me became bubbly when you told me you liked a boy, but a green monster inside me awoken when the boy was not me. I thought that maybe I was jealous because you're my best friend, and I don't want you to replace me as your best friend.

  
The doctor said you were better and that you can stay in your home. It was the best birthday present, you said. You hugged me, and your smile was so bright. There and then I realized the reason why I was jealous.

 

_I like you, Jihoon.  
That's why._

 

You can stay at your home, but you went out weekly to get medicine. You didn't go to school, too. The doctor advised you to be homeschooled. When we were seventeen, I came over to your house like I usually do, and you told me about how you saw your first love again. You saw the beautiful colors on against the plain white hospital walls. You said his name was Soonyoung and that your mother, being the most supportive mom, got his number for you. You also told me about him making a lame pun after giving his number, he said you can call him soon. I was so jealous, but I didn't want you to notice. So I teased you about how much of a teenage girl you sound and how you were already blushing at the mention of his name.

_Before I knew it, I was falling for you._

I remember my teacher asking us what we wanted as an occupation, and I thought of you. I remembered how the paramedics and nurses saved you that time, and I made up my mind. I told myself, I want to help you and many people like you.

But who am I kidding, of course I only wanted to help you at first.  
But I came to love the job, and I came to care more about other people.

I wanted to become a nurse because of you.

 

We laid beside each other on the picnic blanket that was placed on your backyard. I was already in college that time, I read my notes. You sat up and you looked at me with such curious eyes. I sat up straight and showed my notes to you. You were proud on how much my handwriting has improved. You patted my shoulders and laid down to watch clouds. I closed my notes and I laid next to you. You started smiling widely. You turned your head to me and you started telling me about how Soonyoung asked you out on a date, and that you were so nervous.

We're talking about that Soonyoung guy again.

I looked at you as you tell your stories about him. Sure, you grew bald because of your medication (that's why you always wore a beanie), and the medication made you almost sleepless resulting to bags under your eyes, but your smile was so bright, and your eyes twinkled every time you talk about him.

_Who am I to deprive you of your happiness?_  
I was happy to see that you're happy.  
It was enough.

_It was more than enough._

You called me over the next day because you said you don't know what to wear. I know I've been to many dates, but even if I saw many pretty men and women, you are still the most beautiful. That guy is stupid if he can't see that. You looked beautiful in anything you wear. Your mom and I helped you choose what to wear and she drove you to your meeting place.

You called me that night, you told me that he told you that he loves you, and you told him you felt the same. You told me that he used the exact words you used to describe him the first time you saw him.

_Artwork, beautiful colors._

You told me about how you two are different yet alike. You said he loves to dance, but he can't dance anymore because his medicine made his bones weaker. You also told him you liked to sing and play the guitar. You even told him you'd play for him.

I was so jealous, Jihoon. I thought you'd only show your guitar and singing to me, but it turns out I was wrong.

_Of course, You love him._

 

Before you hang up, you told me you love me too. I felt my heart skip a beat.

  
_But who am I kidding, of course you love me._  
You always saw me as the brother you never had,  
Of course you'd love me.  
You love me,  
But not the way I love you.

_Still, I was contented with it. I'm fine as long as it came from you._

 

Many months passed and you called me in the middle of the night to tell me that Soonyoung stopped contacting you. You told me that you've had your fair share of intimacy and he stopped contacting you. You told me it has been two weeks since he last texted you, and that his last message was a 'thank you for coming to my life and I love you'. Your mom and I got mad at the jerk, we searched everywhere possible for him, but we were shocked with what we found out.

 

Kwon Soonyoung died a day after he sent you that text, Jihoonie.

We didn't want to tell you, but you eavesdropped on our conversation.

 

You called me that night, and all you said on the phone was, " _Seokmin, it hurts."_

Of course being the best friend you ever had, I bought your favorite ice cream flavor and I went over to your place. We ate it as we watched some stupid chic flicks. I hated these types of movies, but they were your comfort movies. We ate as you cried through the film. You thanked me because I was there for you, and I told you I love you. You smiled and you told me you love me too, and that I'm the bestest friend in the world.

 

_I didn't tell you I love you just to make you feel better,_  
I told you I love you because I do love you.  
And I don't plan on stopping any moment soon.

 

Even though you didn't went to college and you've been homeschooled, you were very smart. Sometimes, I imagine what you would've been if you weren't sick. You'd probably be an engineer, or a composer because you've always been good with words and music. I remember you helping me review for my licensure exam. You really helped a lot. I say thanks and told you that you're the best. You winked and told me you'd do anything for me because you love me.

My heart broke a little.  
_Because I know deep in your heart, you still love Soonyoung._

The bar exams results were released and I passed. I even made it to the top 43 out of the 2000+ exam takers, and I owe it to you. Just as I was about to call you, my phone rang. Your mother called.

 

_The medicine is not helping with your treatment, Jihoon._  
Your body is rejecting it.  
You're dying.

 

I ran to the hospital where you were confined. I held my tears because I don't want you to know what I know, but you were always good with reading people. I forgot to tell you that I passed the bar exam. We talked about things that make us happy, and we tried to forget that you were dying, even for just an hour.

I planned to surprise you. I applied at the hospital where you were confined, and I visited you in my uniform. As soon as I entered your room, you surprised me instead. You knew I passed the exam, and that I got a pretty decent score. To congratulate me, you prepared a song. With weak, shaky voice, you sang it for me.

It was the best gift I've ever received.

It was nine in the evening, my shift was over so I came to look over you. You asked your mom to leave us for a while and to give us some alone time. As soon as your mom left, started to cry.

" _Seokmin, it hurts._ "

And my heart broke a thousand times.  
I became a nurse to help you,  
But I can't do anything right now.

I held your hand and asked, " _can you endure it a little longer?_ "

You shook your head and gave me a weak smile. " _No, Seokmin. Death has already come for me."_

I couldn't help but cry. You brought your hand to my face and wiped my tears. With your broken voice, you spoke.

" _It's okay. I think it's time for me to reconcile with Soonyoung. I've been a good kid, right? You think they'll accept me in heaven?"_

You smiled at the mention of his name. I could only nod at your question. You held my hand and smiled. You told me to tell your mother that you love her, and you mentioned my name.

" _Seokmin, thank you._ "

You closed your eyes, and smiled.

Even in your last moments, I knew you were thinking of Soonyoung, because you had your wonderful smile.

I kissed your forehead and told you good night,  
_But you replied a good bye._

 

Your burial was composed of people praising you for everything you did. At one point, I got mad at them for pretending that they knew your pain, for wishing you fought for your life a little longer, but deep down I realize I am somewhat like them, I wished you'd stay. I wished you'd stay despite the pain, sorry Jihoonie, that was selfish of me.

Everyone you love was present, and they all mourned for your death. Even your father, whom I only saw crying once, cried as your casket was lowered to the ground.

_Lee Jihoon_  
November 22, 1996 - May 26, 2018  
Gone, but never forgotten.

Your grave was buried next to Soonyoung's, just like how you wanted it. Before we left the cemetery, we let go of white balloons, a symbolism for letting you go.

_But who am I kidding? I know I can't let you go, just not yet._

 

And that is how you died without even knowing what I truly feel for you.

I wish my feelings died with you,

_But it didn't._

It kept blooming in my chest,

And my heart never loved another man.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I low key ship them but they're more like a brotp to me like SoonSeok


End file.
